Milestone - 30 years. And I'm over it.

I had these visions of turning of 30.  I envisioned I would be wise and confident and that I would know how to cook really good.  And that someone somewhere would take a really great photo of me - like one for the ages.

Mmmmuph.

Oh well.  The truth is I'm still learning how to make hard decisions and still figuring out who I am.  And that timeless picture will have to wait another day or year.

30 was hard.  Sound cliche.  But true.  I'll never be in my 20's again.  That's how birthdays work.  They keep coming.  And 30 was like a dark storm cloud headed my way all summer.  Maybe I am gloomy about it because just thinking about celebrating 30 years makes me tired.  The only thing we celebrate lately is when Mikael falls asleep.  And I should be dancing in the street for all my 30 years.  They have been good.  Real good.

Today, I asked Jace just as Mom used to ask me, "How old are you?"  I know Jace is 32 but when he is squirting my 4 years old with water just to get a rise - the question is appropriate.

Do you know his response?

"How old are you?"

Ouch.  He knew that one would hurt this week.

And sometimes I call in reinforcements. (Milestone - 10 Months)

Her name is Kentucky.  I picked her up at the local Bashas.

Her purpose in life will be to kill.  Mice.  We have seen approximately 32 at the new property and it is no bueno.

We have been practicing rigorous pouncing and catching techniques with Kentucky.  She is almost ready to be released into the wild of our current remodel.

No one loves Kentucky more than Mikael.  She squeals and flaps her arms excitedly at just the sight of her.

Mikael wants to share the love.  Cuddle.  Grab.  Pet.  And show the cat who the boss is.

And then suddenly she can experience a change of heart.  And the cycle begins all over again.

We haven't figured if those are tears of regret, sorrow, remorse, or fear.  It is a complicated relationship between these two.  One we will be able to nourish and nurture in the coming years.

Kentucky will for sure be the meanest best cat around.

Welcome to the family.

Milestone - 9 Months

I think I basically covered my life this month with this little monkey in my last post.

She has perfected the stink face this month.  Although, Ezra calls it her trash face. 

 "Mom, Mikael just did her trash face at me." 

I'm stilling trying to figure out how to accomplish anything during the day when my hands are full (of her).

She smiles (and kisses) with her tongue out.  It is delicious.

She is smart and busy and sensitive and busy and cute.

We love her and wonder what we ever did with our time before her. 

Seasons

I was born in this season of sunshiny days and starry nights.   The summer sun has always burned and then freckled my fair skin.  My birthday was always celebrated on the waters of Lake Powell or poolside at the hotel in Tucson.  I always imagined this season to be my season.

As I dressed my baby before church today in a long sleeve shirt, I found myself looking forward to cooler temperatures and sending my kids back to school.  I long for the quiet days of order and schedules.  I mourn the absence of a clean house and a stocked fridge.

A while back a read a post here from a gal we all know.  One line has stuck with me.   "Connect with each child, face-to-face".  Everyday.  I paused to think.  When was the last time I looked into Macy's eyes and connected?  Had it been longer than just yesterday?

The guilt came gurgling up the back of my throat.

See, I have this baby.  This baby that just yesterday dove head first into a bathtub full of water for her 1st swim.  The neighbors are still saying their prayers that the good Lord will forgive me for the screaming and carrying on they heard as I loudly handled the dangerous situation - badly.

I have this baby that just the day before yesterday crawled from my front door to the street.  The street, I repeat.  I'm guessing the neighbors are now praying for the arrival of a new mother for my poor children.  This baby rarely cuts me a break.  Ear drums ring as she screams her way thru every evening meal.  And sleeping is just not her talent.

Could it be that this baby is just lucky baby number 4?  Her Mother's attention is split, shared, and recycled all day long.  Is it possible that she is sweet calm baby like all the others I have birthed, just not as carefully supervised and nurtured as the others were?  No.  Scratch that.  Not possible.  Mikael was born with a little more fire.  She is courageous.  And smart.  And sassy.  And requires 24/7 supervision from a CPR certified caretaker.

The very beginning of summer brought this project on.  Which then brought on this decision here.  I have no business owning as many children as I do, trying to tear apart one house, attempting to make decisions on how to put it back together again, and keeping the current residence clean for showings.  Then go ahead and throw in a little pink eye and approx. 15 house guests this summer that keep those cowboys beds on my floor nice and hot.  I should start another blog about the bed and breakfast Jace and I run.  It doesn't matter the size of the house we are living in nor the location of it- if you build it they [the Baums] will come.  Craziest thing.

See, I have all these excuses.  I have a lot of reasons why I'm overwhelmed.  Overworked.  Under-rested.  Frustrated.  And discouraged.

My memory of this particular summer will be all these little bodies under this small roof and trying to teach them (and myself) a thing or two about hard work.  As I delicately try to shape these little people, I vow to remember that this is just a season I'm in -  a fleeting moment in time.  There is still time to connect and look into their little eyes.  Everyday.

Turns out this summer is just not my season to shine and play in the sun.

But next summer (and tomorrow) will be better.  And fall is on it's way.  That's the beauty of the seasons.  They change.

Happy 4th

Good ol hometown 4th of July.  Jace humored me this year and we got to stay the whole day in Show Low.  The highlight of the parade was seeing Jace's blue Toyota truck floating by.  Show Low is still my favorite place to be on the 4th - even if it's hot and it always rains and it's Grandpa Mikey's least favorite holiday and Heber happens to have way better fireworks.

Do you know what holiday comes next?

My 30th birthday.

Yikes.