Motherhood

I have been thinking a lot about it lately. I have been counting down days and weeks until this stage of motherhood will end. Grateful the nausea has left but devastated that most of my pants no longer button. I don't love or even like being pregnant. I will give birth any day of the week. I find the experience completely fulfilling and emotional. But pregnancy? I struggle to find the joy in it. The pounds gained during pregnancy not only pain and weigh my hips, feet, and back down but I'm ashamed to say my soul as well.

photos by Justin Hackworth

Funny how a little perspective is all we need sometimes. I watched Stephanie's video this morning. I have a healthy body and healthy skin. Skin that stretches with the new life inside me. I have healthy children. Children I get the privilege to know and love. I can choose to have more children. I can choose to see my eternal role as a mother as a privilege.

Ezra is sick today. Threw up all night. He climbed into my lap this morning and sat. I bounced his growing body on my leg and soon his appendages sagged. He had fallen asleep. On me! He had choosen me over the beloved blue blanket. I got to study his relaxed face and feel his body's heat against mine. Just like I used to do, a hundred times a day, when he was just a baby. My long night of interrupted sleep to clean up after him and large loads of laundry this morning was all worth it. I was reminded of how a child can love their mother, like I love mine. Sometimes it is only her that can give me what I need. I can and will be that for my children as well. And it is a gift.

I will probably continue to mourn my "skinny clothes" for a little while more but I'm grateful for the reminders today of my purpose here. I will try hard to find the beauty in this stage of motherhood because like Stephanie said, "I am [Lindsay Baum] and I am not my body............motherhood and beauty are one. They are the same thing."

It should be noted that while I do not enjoy the gestation period, my husband does. He finds pregos completely attractive. Just ask my sisters. He can't get enough of them. And for that I love him. A lot.