Just a glimpse. Into my heart.

Jace keeps bringing dogs home. We have housed 9 dogs since our arrival in Chandler.

That's right. I said Nine. The doors keeps revolving. I'm sure their is a name for people like us who test drive pets.

I sold a puppy yesterday to Wes. So, we are now down to 4 Jack Russells.

5 dogs, a couple rainy/muddy days, and snot noses. Turns out- it is not a great combination for my sanity. I've lost it. I was crying this morning in the car, while taking my kids to school and Gabriella was singing to Troy....

"I've got to go my own my way.....I've got to move on and be who I am." - She sang. And I cried.

I had never owned a dog until Jace came along. Mauriah was allergic. Mike threw rocks at the neighbor's barking pets. Addie was terrified. It never could have worked.

I am a lover of children and husbands. I want to take care of them. I want to feed, water, pet, potty train, and walk them. Everyday. There is not a lot of room left in my small heart.

Today I met Wendy. She was parked up at the top of my street. She was looking concerned. She was on her cell phone. I sped by fast. Wendy followed me home.

"Is that your dog?"

Pause. Crap.

"Yep."

"And you have another, named Max?"

Another pause. Double crap.

"Yep."

"They were running down the middle of Copper Rd. I got Max to jump into my car but I could not get the other one to come with me. I was so worried. If my dogs were running in the middle of the road, I would be so scared."

Nice.

"I'm so sorry."

"Do you think I could keep Max?"

Don't answer to quickly. She'll think you have a small, cold heart.

"yyyyess."

Don't think bad thoughts about me. Max is going to love his new home. And I know those puppies are adorable. And I know how much Ezra loves his "tinies." I really want to be a dog lover. But I must. I must. Get rid of a couple more dogs. If you love dogs and are concerned about their safety while running down majors roads - call me. We can arrange for the happy trade of the dogs for my sanity back.

Parties, Earrings, and Covenants

The day was cold and quiet. She wore the same dress I did when I was baptized by my father 20 years ago at the same building. She sang a primary song with Noah. She was worried her curls wouldn't make it all the way under and that she would have to be dunked again and again. But in the end, that would have been ok with her, the water was warm. She asked "backstage" in her dripping wet dress if she could swim a lap or maybe just to the steps? We ate her favorite roast beef sandwiches. I was so proud of her. And her Dad.

Turning eight at our house not only means baptism but also earrings. We have been talking about this day for years but in the end it almost didn't happen. Mattie held her hands. Macy cried and changed her mind. I held her head. And it was over before she knew it started. Five minutes later, she was posing in the streets.

Mattie, along with her Mom, Grandma, sisters, and cousins showed up on our doorstep the morning of her birthday. It was the best birthday surprise. It invoked tears, squeals, and hugs and then again when they had to leave.

I love this girl so much. She has grown up so much this past year. I love her sense of humor and how she tries not to laugh at her parents jokes. She is so thoughtful of her brothers and her friends. She is a rule follower and likes to be reassured that we are all on the right side of the law. Choosing the right comes so easy to her. She is my joy. We feel so blessed to have her in our home.

I used to wonder what in the world I was thinking, birthing a child this time of year. But maybe I was wrong. She is the perfect way to end a year and begin a new one. She has taught us so much and at times we feel like we are growing up along side her. I am honored to know her sweet spirit and how it reminds me how thankful I am to be a mother. Her mother.

Our Year.

I ain't going to lie. I cannot wait for this year to be over.

Funny how a random Tuesday night in Vernal, Utah can change your entire life. Physical address. Jobs. Schools. Sleeping habits. My feelings on gun control. Entire life - I tell you.

Never even saw it coming.

I am over the anger. The frustration. The fear. I am over the dreams lost-my dream of where and how I would raise my family. I have accepted changes that have come this year. It has taken me all year to get here.

I am Braver. Stronger. Poorer. Lonelier. Better.

2010?

Bring it.

Our changes this year could also have a little something to do with wadding knee deep in this bull crap economy. And a little something with the fact the Baums are incapable of having a plan A or B. Let's not give Beau Peterson all the credit- just 75.8% of it.

My kids are still cute. Halloween 2009. Ezra turned 3. Thanksgiving 2009. We are still alive. In pictures. In no particular order.

Surprised you didn't I? I may or may not update this private blog after all.

Saturday Morning

It wasn't the first time I have been stranded, with 3 children. Far from it. I've sat on the highway between Heber and Show Low (Heber and Snowflake, Heber and Holbrook, Heber and Mesa, ect.) multiply times.

I did not even cuss when the '78 Ford that we just lovingly dumped $1,500.00 into decided to take a break on the side of the road.

I wasn't even missing our 4-wheeler. The one Jace traded for this new yellow beast of ours. The 4-wheeler that never wanted to take a break, especially when I was towing all 3 of my children. The 4-wheeler that was probably speeding thru the forest on that very morning, carrying the new owner - laughing all the way. I didn't even think bad thoughts about him.

We just patiently waited for our rescue party from Show Low to retrieve us.

We tried not to make eye contact with passing motorists. We did not want to give the impression that this was a road side emergency. Nah, this is just how the Baum's roll.

Our only mechanic in the car couldn't read english, so we patiently waited some more.

Grandma Mikey and the Flake girls laughed at the sight of us, then loaded us into the truck headed for home.

Jace called me after work to let me know he found the abandoned Ford on the side of the road. He also let me know that when the key was put back into the ignition and then turned, the engined hummed to life and then purred like a kitten all the way back to Heber.

I might have said a cuss word then.

P.S. Don't be cussing when the Baum's abandon you on the side of the road called Privacy Lane. Leave me your email address. This is one high fashion ride you may not want to miss.

When we grow up.

A treasure was rediscovered this week.

(When you move every 6 weeks like we do, treasures are sometimes forgotten about, packed, misplaced and then found again. It's almost like Christmas every 6 weeks. Almost.)

The treasure was promptly taped onto the boy's bedroom wall.

Did you know that Macy wants to be a Mom when she grows up?

Twins please. One boy. One girl.

Did you know Noah dreams of being an astronaut? Who knew, right?

Ezra liked the looks of this one. Perhaps he is missing the liberating days of diapers and being able to eat his toes.

And surprise! Jace wants to be a farmer when he grows up.

I dreamed my whole life of this job here. And it is the life.

I used to do this. Happy days.

I spend an awful lot of my grown up life here, at this job. My mac isn't nearly as cute as that green, vintage typewritter and I would bet she has her heels on, with apron tied around her waist, and that she just put her 1st batch of bread in the oven.

Remember when you thought that was what grown up life was going to be like?

Macy started gymnastics.

The coach told her wearing a leotard was optional. Optional? Right. You try telling the 7 year old girl that she does not need to wear her pink leotard every single week. I watched her prance/shimi into class today in her pink leotard.

Remember when you used to feel beautiful in only a pink leotard? Remember when you used to walk with your hands out at your hips as you pranced into a room?

Those were the days.

Then we all grow up.

MY PRIVACY CLAUSE: I love to talk to people. I love to drill them about their lives. So, I assume that you want to talk and question me in return, so instead of waiting for you to do so, I go ahead and spill my beans. All my beans. All the time. And lately, just every once in awhile, I'll be spilling about my life to a relative, friend of a friend, stranger, ect. and soon their head is nodding, they are smiling and I have this feeling like - crap! I already told them this story. I hate when I do that. But then the person will just say - "I read it on your blog." Oh. So technically, I am that person that repeats the same stories over and over. Crap. Are you tired of hearing my stories over and over? Are you politely nodding and waiting for this story to be over right now? Crap. We are going private. But you like the taste of my beans? And you have not left your email address for me here? Leave me a comment. Leave me your email address. Leave both if you like. Just don't say I didn't invite you to partake of our beans - our left over - repeated beans.

I went private for 11 days.

Don't feel bad if you didn't get an invite.

No one did.

Except for 5 sisters and 1 Mother of mine.

2 or 3 of them still haven't even accepted the invitation yet.

I love you too guys.

Are you wondering what you missed while we were away?

Weelll, the highlights are as follows......

I finished a book. Titled, The Poisonwood Bible. Read it. Then I want to talk about it.

I had 14 house guests. I'm not even making up that number. I loved every single one of them. Come again. And again.

House guest number 13 and 14.

Jace worked a lot. I'm slowly losing my mind about it.

This is Jace not at work. Just in case you forgot what that looked like.

I asked Ezra 4,671 times if he needed to go potty. I might be making up that number. Ezra did beautifully. My plan of us becoming best friends this year is slowly going down the toilet. The child needs some discipline. But in his defense, he lost his playmates, his diapers, and was assigned a big boy bed--one that doesn't include Noah--all in one week.

E for Ezra. Shorter bed for the shorter brother.

I participated in the 117th school fundraiser since the beginning of school.

I made Jace come to a ballroom dancing lesson. It was a flop. Awkward. Stinky. And awkward.

I vacuumed.

Just some of the dirt I vacuumed up.

I told you they were highlights.

You want some more?

Leave me you email address and consider yourself invited to the Baum Squad's newly privatized life.

If you thought your life was better before you knew everything about us...

No worries. Sometimes I like my unwritten life better too.

See you on the other side.

When He is gone

I wear my stretchy pants he hates. I eat frozen pizza for dinner. I lay awake all night in my lonely, big bed thinking, plotting, and listening for the next intruder. I cry when my sister emails me youtube videos about funny, happy people in love. I study my ginormous mirror, like she did, and contemplate about all the tlc I'm giving and missing.

I contemplate my wants, wishes, heartaches and things I know. One thing I know for sure. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good wife. But I've decided I can't be.




Not without him.

When He is gone I miss him.